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Through me to the city of Dolent
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Holden Caulfield's LiveJournal:

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Monday, February 13th, 2017
11:15 am
It's fascinating to be in a culture that lost the general election. Everyone is pandering to sorrow and sadness, even from a marketing perspective:


I know that red states were in the same space back when Obama won.

What a terrible time for politics.

A few things are going on in my life right now:

- Working with veterans again. This Thursday I'm volunteering with a new veteran charity serving homeless vets, apparently they need some IT help.

- New girl. Sadie. She's very nice, we just went shooting over the weekend, it was her first time.

- Work is fine, overall. I'd really like to get a new challenge that fulfills me more though.
Friday, October 7th, 2016
9:14 pm
I went to a bar earlier today and I ran into a profoundly ignorant person - it troubles me that I don't think this person is unique, but rather really, really, really, common place.

She saw things through a lens, which for lack of a better term, is stereotypical of a "Social Justice Warrior". We talked civilly for a while, but at a certain point I became profoundly annoyed with this person because it crossed a line where she was actively attacking me. The thing that bothered me the most was the method in which she kept dismissing examples from my life as essentially an anomaly in a greater system that impacts her, and other people besides me. No matter how I might relate to the problems she was describing, I couldn't also be a victim of those problems, because I'm ultimately the perpetrator. I'm resonsible for the ills of society because of my race and gender and privilege.

She constructed a world in which everything she is a victim of, but where I could show the same levels of victimization in my own life, she ignored or actively told me why they should be dismissed. I tilted the conversation to play this back on her - when she described an ill, I described how she was immune from it herself. For example, she talked about how she was ostracized for being ugly, how her pursuit of being a stand up comedian has been dismissed because she isn't pretty, or perhaps how the more 'pretty people' have it easier than she did - but then I pointed out that she wasn't ugly at all and she got defensive. "Don't tell me how I am!" she demanded, and then proceeded to define exactly who I am.

This game of "I'm the greatest victim that has ever lived" and also, "I only live to triumph the greatest victims" is extremely pervasive. There is no way to over come this in 2016.

I believe that in 100 years, if there is a way to understand the world that exists in 2016, it will be incomprehensible. It will be one of those zeitgeists that seems beyond the approach of logic and reasoning. That we have two candidates running for office who both exemplify insanity to the highest degree; but only because our society, it's self, is insane. We have what we deserve in politics today.

For the last several months when I've engaged in these ridiculous political conversations I've tried to steer them back to the most basic of political conversations: that of political class. There are poor people, there are rich people, there are people in the middle. What happens to poor people is a truism throughout the world - what happens to the wealthy happens to the wealthy - there are no exceptions to this rule based upon identity. Meanwhile, when we look at the world through identity we find a dozen exceptions - exceptions that have to be dismissed, because they don't fit the concept the ideology wants to subscribe to.

It's as if I could demand the whole world listen to Zizek more. Alas, Zizek is probably the anti- of everything. Thinking of Zizek, it inspired me to see what he has been up to and his commentary on today's society. This brought me to the prime example of today's absurdity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNeeGORcOhU - this video was, notably, only after I watched an insightful video about his views on Trump.

Everything is wrong today. No matter how much you do right, you are in the wrong. It's bizarre, it's horrible, it's discouraging for the youngest version of activists. I can't imagine doing what I did 10 years ago today.

Edit: I should probably just quietly study, perhaps more Hegel, but I have yet another Jefferson book next to me...
8:43 pm
Reason #86
I hate Portland. No matter how much I try to find a silver lining to this place, I just can't stand it.

Today I witnessed what was surely a bike theft. However, the bike was probably already stolen, so fuck it?

I'm walking to the bus stop at 6:30pm, a druggie looking shirtless guy in grey shorts hops off of a bike and leave it in front of the Microsoft store. Guy just walks away from the bike quickly and leaves it there. There's nothing on the bike, it's not particularly nice, it's a Schwinn from probably the 1990's. I see it has an attachment point for a U-lock, but there's no U-lock attached. .... [I stopped writing this]
Monday, June 20th, 2016
11:27 am
My idea has officially been stolen. The company I pitched my idea to, and provided documentation to, has moved forward. I got an email today from the person who took the job I created, unceremoniously asking me to join the program. Now I need to run damage control. They literally stole my intellectual property.

The person who is running with my idea is a junior marketing coordinator with all of 2.5 years of experience. This whole project is going to sink and I'm half tempted to just not play ball with them at all.

I'm never providing any consulting as a part of a job interview ever again.
Tuesday, June 14th, 2016
9:51 am
I didn’t get that job I was hoping for. It appears they’re moving on their own, using the ideas I presented to them, without hiring me to manage it all. As I was presenting I thought I held enough back from them that they’d need to hire me, but I also offered more than enough ideas for them to move on their own – I did offer those ideas on good faith. My lesson here is to next time reveal less about my strategy. Perhaps I was too eager to share because I wanted them to understand that I grasp what they need and how to get there.

I guess I’m back to square one, trying to find another company to build. I don’t even know where to begin, because I simply don’t have a plan B. I’ve been in talks with this company for over a year.

I’m in a really bad spot too with my current job, I’m switching bosses and being assigned to a new team where I’ll be working closer to the only guy I strongly dislike. I think I need to start looking for work outside of Portland to try and find something. I don’t have anything keeping me here.

Ugh, I’m feeling frustrated and sort of hopeless. This was a terrible way to start the day.
Thursday, May 12th, 2016
10:31 am
Today is going poorly.
I hope things rebound.

Viso changed their flavor today, again. Every time they do this it's always for the worse. My daily comfort drink is gone. :(

Work is a hassle. We're moving, we're rearranging the office in the mean time. Coworkers are being annoying.
Wednesday, April 27th, 2016
3:46 pm
And this is why I don’t work in politics.
Let’s say I was an influential political leader on the national stage, and I wanted to separate myself from the existing established parties. I’d form something new with the most basic ground rules.

Five tenants

- Education, we should be learning from everyone we can learn from, not simply reinforcing our belief system. Then take our knowledge and share it freely with everyone.
- History, our belief systems should find origins in our observations of the past and therefore we should study history closely to find answers to our problems today.
- Empowerment, the motivating force of humanity is our pursuit of liberty and self-determination.
- Inclusiveness, all people and all ideas should be welcome.
- Humanity, we must do what is right for people and no other purpose.

You take some rules like this and you let ideas boil up and become popular.

I think a new party could be beautiful and simplistic, something that carries a torch of enlightenment.

I recognize that this is a terrible prescription for a mass movement. What actually works is diehard ideology, fiery rhetoric, and bold individual leaders who command very obedient masses. And this is why I don’t work in politics.

Maybe, just maybe, if I won Powerball and had Elon Musk’s levels of influence, I’d get a group like this off the ground. It’d probably end up going the route of a thinktank like Cato or something and be totally inconsequential to the American public.
Thursday, April 21st, 2016
1:47 pm
"Home Run"
I just got off of a call where I gave my big presentation. I was getting super nervous today and sort of loathing the whole thing before we started.

The call wrapped up early and one of my colleagues at the client sent me a note "home run - awesome job man."

That feels good.
Thursday, April 14th, 2016
10:22 pm
On cheering and booing at the modern debate.
Some reflections after reading comments calling for the removal of an audience at the Presidential Debates.


So I live in this horrible place called Portland, Oregon. It's a fucking pathetic shitshow of where all extremists liberals in the country will move to in like 5-10 years. It's like Mecca, but for regressives.

Because this city is so stacked full of stupid-ass people who are really passionate about politics (especially politics they don't know *shit* about), it makes hosting public debates and public testimony virtually impossible.

A couple years back one of our Mayors, a guy named after a beer who was probably elected only because we were drunk and thought it was a drink menu, well he very cleverly introduced some rules at public debate:




Well, now our public debate has devolved into fucking 'Spirit Fingers' like we're goddamn middle school cheerleaders. Seriously, "spirit fingers is how you appreciate a statement." The worst part about it? People actually comply with this bullshit.

So, some asshole can be giving horseshit testimony in front of the public, in front of the city council, moments before they make a decision that will impact our society for a generation - and no one will boo, no one will raise an alarm, no one will raise an objection. When someone speaks the truth no one will cheer, they'll finger-fuck the sky for a few moments with a big smile on their face like it matters.

I live in this world of silence, a place where righteous indignation is silenced, where the mob's applause is muted. *It's goddamn horrible.*

The mob mentality, although often flawed, needs to have it's voice heard - and the only way a mob can express it's self is through the cheers and jeers at public debate. Without it, a great injustice can be done without a whimper or sound of protest from anyone in the room.

Now today, if someone lies to the public and our elected officials, just straight up bullshits us about something really important - and you know it's bullshit so you pipe up "Hey, that's bullshit" during a Council meeting, you'll be ejected out of the room, you might even face misdemeanor charges for disturbing the peace. Doesn't matter if you're right, we've purposefully removed free speech to make our terrible decision making more efficient.

What I would do to trade this for the boisterous waves of liberty....


What I didn't mention here is that, if I were running the DNC/RNC, I would simply stack the people in the room who prefer my preferred candidate. People viscerally respond to the cheers and jeers of others. The best way to truly balance this would be a lottery of who gets tickets. Fucking cage match these asshole candidates.
Tuesday, March 15th, 2016
11:55 pm
Probably generally true
"Seriously...how the fuck could Trump be WORSE than the parade of human turds in suits that march into the Capitol and White House every day, every year? He can't." - some guy on reddit.

Originally seen here: https://www.reddit.com/r/The_Donald/comments/4allva/to_the_sanders_supporters_lurking/

I mean, honestly, what is he going to do that is worse than Bush? Start a war? Spy on allies?

I think global nuclear war is the only catastrophe we haven't had yet. Clinton is just as likely to do that.
Monday, February 29th, 2016
2:02 pm
Work, life
I realize that my company drives with two feet: one on the gas and the other on the break. They tell me we’re in a hurry and as we get there they slam on the breaks.

Life is going OK otherwise. GF and I broke up, which was the best thing for both of us. I ordered the parts for my computer on Friday, I hope to build it on my birthday. Ex-GF also gave me a fantastic b-day present over the weekend, a Tahoma Field Knife.
Monday, February 1st, 2016
8:41 am
I'm looking to build a new computer, I priced it out at $1479.68 - it includes an i5-6600k, MSI ATX motherboard Z170A, 16gb ram, and the GTX 970. I've got other stuff bundled in, like a new monitor, blu-ray, liquid cooling...

Girlfriend and I talked about moving in last night. I told her we should think about it for a few months. Overall I think it would be a good step.

Work is going fine.

Truck is broken, head gasket is leaking. Very expensive.

I'll be traveling a lot more this year I think.
Thursday, December 10th, 2015
11:33 am
Some quotes of Kin Hubbard.
- Don't knock th' weather. Nine-tenths o' th' people couldn' start a conversation if it didn' change once in a while.
- Flattery won't hurt you if you don't swallow it.
- Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
- Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
- Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
- We'd all like t'vote fer th' best man, but he's never a candidate.
- When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.
- There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
- There is plenty of peace in any home where the family doesn't make the mistake of trying to get together.
- The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
- The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.
- Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
- Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
- Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Interesting dude.

I can't believe it's been since September since the last time I put in an update.

Life is going fine with me. I'm procrastinating at work, but everything is good there and I'm enjoying it alot right now. I'm basically 100% autonomous and take on my own projects at my own speed.

I've been seeing a girl for about 5 months, Junyi. The relationship has ups and downs but for the most part I'm pretty happy. It's hard to see a long term future because she plans to move back to China some day, but otherwise she's totally wife material. She's been extraordinarily generous to me on an order I've never experienced in the past. She bought me an xbox and bought a 55" TV, she's bought me a sword, she splits the costs of most dinners and trips. This is because she's only 22 and makes more money than me. It's pretty nice. It's been so long since I've been with a woman who prioritizes her career, and I really like that. But, we're not 100% compatible and it's going to end some day, I just don't know when.

Otherwise, hanging low and just playing video games for the last few months when I'm not working. First it was MGSV, now it's Fallout. It's an easy and inexpensive way to relax.

Oh, I'm gaining weight too. I've got a gut, I'm totally out of shape, that sucks.
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2015
3:56 pm
Let me give you a word of the philosophy of reform. The whole history of the progress of human liberty shows that all concessions yet made to her august claims, have been born of earnest struggle. The conflict has been exciting, agitating, all-absorbing, and for the time being, putting all other tumults to silence. It must do this or it does nothing. If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to, and you have found out the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them; and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress. [...] Men might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get. If we ever gpt free from the oppressions and wrongs heaped upon us, we must pay for their removal. We must do this by labor, by suffering, by sacrifice, and if needs be, by our lives and the lives of others.
Tuesday, July 28th, 2015
9:15 pm
Moving, bikini
Moving is going well, I'm down to the last 5-8% of my stuff, mostly my bed is the big last item, then a dump run, and moving stuff from the garden.

Today the landlord brought 3 different folks to come by. One was an older guy, another was an older women - I think he was just wasting their time showing them this house so that they'd buy something better.

The third was a young asian girl, I overheard her talking about how she is going to college and her parents live on the other side of town. She came over in a bikini, basically: black top and black bottom with a see-thru shirt. She was hot. She was surprised to see me (as I was her). I asked the landlord when she left, "What was that? Did that really happen?" He chuckles, "Yeah, weird stuff happens." "Was that a swim suit?" "I think it was lingerie." "Wow, has that ever happened before?" "Well, occasionally I'd have a women ask me if there's anything they can do to negotiate the rent price," he chuckles, I felt like he was bullshitting. Either way, the more I thought about it, the only logical conclusion I can think of is that she was going to fuck her way into this place. That's why she was surprised to see me, she thought she'd have the landlord alone. Otherwise, she would have come much more modestly, at least wearing pants of some sort.

Funny turn of events, I never thought something like that would happen.
Tuesday, July 21st, 2015
10:03 pm
Sanders, Blacks
I just went through a wide range of emotions when I read this: http://www.azcentral.com/story/news/politics/2015/07/18/black-lives-matter-protesters-disrupt-bernie-sanders-martin-omalley-phoenxix/30351121/

At first I was pretty pissed. It's really goddamn disrespectful to do this to other people, especially the people who are allegedly your allies. It also pisses me off because I feel like this whole Black Lives Matter thing is myopic to their own lives - where is their calls to end the drug war, or to change American foreign policy? They don't have a good vision of policy reforms due to a lack of leadership. Yet, they do have profoundly loud and disruptive leadership.

It also pisses me off because I've had assholes do this at rallies and events I fucking planned. We invite everyone to come to the planning meeting, I would invest 30 fucking hours of my life into sitting at a conference table with a bunch of pussyass people I strongly disliked (and didn't really want to work with), and I would even invest my own money into seeing this event happen. Then, after all that planning, some punk radical comes and shits on what we're trying to do. We would have let them participate in the planning, given them fair time on the stage or whatever, but no. They couldn't fucking be bothered to share or give, so they were an asshole.

Yet, reflecting further, I completely understand black folks frustration, and I think that historically blacks and white liberals (especially Democrats) aren't even allies. In fact, white liberals and Democrats have done plenty to prevent the real liberation of black folk in this country.

I think back to "People with Strength in Monroe, North Carolina" by Truman Nelson:

This isn't the first time I've referenced it in my journal, and it's by the far the best criticism I've come across on liberalism on the topic liberation.

...liberals in the North, resting after the desegregation decision of 1954, do not seem to realize that white Southern resistance to it is not a matter of court cases and county legalities. It is hard, bloody and war-like.


This had always worked before; for a hundred years men with guns and the right to use them at will, had forded it over people without them and no rights at all.


I don't suppose that the [National Rifle Association, NRA] has received one protest from pacifist, or any other humanitarian groups, in all its years of existence over its encouragement of veterans, to take up arms again and fire them off regularly at the symbolic foe represented by the official targets. But a very curious thing happens, even to liberals, at the thought of a black man having arms in his possession. Their deep and pervading sense of racial guilt suggests to them, fearfully, that the black man has an accumulated moral justification to use them, and probably will.

When it became known that Williams had received such a charter, and had already organized and was thus about to legitimately arm a group of Negro veterans, the white liberals who had supported him as a poet, rejected him as a warrior and ran for cover. There were some few notable exceptions to this, and the police harassment these real patriots underwent, is nearly incredible. All the prophetical qualities the white liberals recognized in Williams, went whirling over the dam of their own racist fears; they practiced, unconsciously, the same sort of denial of basic rights for which they held the White Citizens Council and the Klan in such contempt. This form of national sickness was diagnosed long ago, in 1852, by the greatest of all pacifists and non-resistants, William Lloyd Garrison, in a review of Uncle Tom's Cabin in the Liberator of March 26th, that year.

"We are curious to know whether Mrs. Stowe is a believer in the duty of non-resistance for the white man, under all possible outrage and peril, as well as for the black man: whether she is for self-defense on her own part, or that of her husband, or friends or country in case of malignant assault, or whether she impartially disarms all mankind in the name of Christ, be the suffering and danger what it may. That all the slaves of the South ought, if smitten on the one cheek, to turn the other also, to repudiate all carnal weapons, wait for a peaceful deliverance and abstain from all insurrectionary movements is everywhere taken for granted, because THE VICTIMS ARE BLACK. They cannot be animated by a Christian spirit and yet return blow for blow, or conspire for the destruction of their oppressors. They are required by the Bible to put away wrath, to suffer all conceivable outrage without resistance. None of their advocates may seek to inspire them to imitate the example of the Greeks, the Poles, the Hungarians, our revolutionary fathers, for such teaching would evince a most unchristian and bloodthirsty disposition. How is this to be reconciled? Is there one law of submission and non-resistance for the black man, and another law of rebellion and conflict for the white man?"

Williams understood, as Garrison before him, that to disarm the Negro in the face of the enemies' outrage and assault is simple racism, unless the same pious advocate calls for the disarmament of every group and government in the world in the face of every conceivable threat to their existence and practice simple non-resistance to coercive forms in every phase of his own daily life.

It was sad for Williams and everyone else involved, I assume, to come to the end of the pleasant integrated relationships of the Unitarian Fellowship, but the saddest note struck here is when the 50 or 60 black men of Monroe who made up the Rifle Club, gazed at the backs of the retreating white liberals and realized that they did not need them anymore. Sad for the whites, I mean, everywhere.

It is sad because many white Americans are troubled to the point of desperation by this tragic separation. Their consciences are badly lacerated by this increasing alienation of people, one from the other. They realize that while it goes on, we are all not only half-citizens, but half-men and half-women, with our affectional qualities shut off from fulfillment with 20 million others by laws contrived and enforced against us all. And some white Americans are troubled with nightmare fears that the day of total liberation for the darker peoples of the world, so rapidly approaching, will be one of reckoning and revenge, and that they will follow our path in allocating all the fruits of victory according to the pigmentation of the skin.

Williams' association with the Unitarian Fellowship was the only redemptive factor which emerged for him when he returned to Monroe. Their desertion of him was catastrophic. It appears that these Unitarians only half understood the historical position of their denomination in respect to racial tyranny. If Theodore Parker is a Unitarian apostle, as they claim he is, and if their present faith exists in some semblance of his prophetical image, as they boast it does, then they should have known what Parker did under exactly similar circumstances in his own time, and done likewise.

When Theodore Parker was confronted with a threat to two Negro members of his congregation by white racists, he did not tell them to go and kneel on the steps of the church and grovel until the hard hearts of their tormentors were softened. Their names were William and Ellen Craft; they were fugitives, he could not recognize them as slaves. First of all, he took Ellen into his home and under his protection. And then, "I armed myself and put my house into a state of defense. For two weeks I wrote my sermons with a sword in the open drawer under my inkstand and a pistol on the flap of the desk, loaded, ready, with a cap on the nipple. Commissioner Curtis said, 'A process is in the hands of the Marshall ... in the execution of which he might be called upon to break open dwelling houses and perhaps to take life by quelling resistance, actual or threatened.' I was ready for him. I knew my rights".

Then Parker performed his ministerial office toward William Craft. "I inspected his weapons. His powder had a good kernel and he kept it dry. His pistols were of excellent proof, the barrels true and clean, the trigger went easy, the caps would not hang fire at the snap. I gave William a sword ... and told him of his manly duty therewith if need be, to defend the life and liberty of Ellen."

This was in Boston, Massachusetts, and Parker was consciously acting against the law. How much more compelling is the duty of liberal whites to defend their associates in the Carolinas where the harassment of others is patently against the law. They may offer the excuse that conditions were enormously worse then, that it was slavery times and that the upheaval to come made the humanitarian acts of men like Parker, more virtuous, more justifiable.


Some people think that because this was mentioned in the Times, that it will soon be cleared away. As a people, we are childishly hopeful that exposure and discussion of a social wrong will cure it. Our sympathies are used up and appeased in the reading while the question of how to defend oneself against the reality of these intolerable conditions goes begging. Now we even have to argue whether the Negro has the right, not alone the duty, to defend themselves and their families. Whenever this question is raised, it is inevitably extended to the false premise that to give these people means of defense is to incite them to run amuck and kill as promiscuously as white Colonials kill Algerians. There is absolutely nothing in the historical record to support this. It is racist madness to even think of it. Everyone knows that the knife, the club, and the State's apparatus are now, and always have been, wielded by the white man against the black man ... and never by the black.

I think I'm going to publish some more propaganda.
Monday, July 20th, 2015
11:33 am
Château Lanquais - another beautiful castle. If I could replicate it, I would be very happy.

Updates: I’m happy again, mostly. I’m moving out of my current place because James is moving up to Sequim. I found a new house that looks nice, but it’s eerily similar to the place I live in Aloha. However, I feel like the accommodations are a lot nicer, and it’s less expensive than I’m paying now. This last weekend I’ve worked on moving a lot. My biggest challenge right now is getting rid of the Honda. I’ll have lots of gardening opportunities if I stick at this new house, but ultimately I still want to end up in Bend.

This week I’m going to reapproach my proposal I sent to Nintex and try to land a new job. I’m still unhappy about work, but I’m not panicking or anything.

I went to Boise last week on the company dime. I had an amazing experience and I could easily see myself living there someday. The downtown is pretty nice, the folks are nice. I sat down at a bar and I say to the bartender, “You know what I love about this place?” “Yeah,” he snaps back, “The women.” Yep.

I’m also dating a new girl – she’s really nice but I’m not sure how long we’ll be able to stick with each other. Not only does she live on the other side of town, but I’m having a hard time clicking with her because of her mannerisms. In the meantime, I’m happy with her, maybe she’ll change.
Thursday, June 25th, 2015
10:54 am
I see now, i just hadn't heard it called this before:

Wednesday, June 24th, 2015
6:17 pm
So, I’m looking over the Mother Jones list of Republican backing billionaires and I was rather intrigued to find that most of them are self-made men.


The only real exceptions are the Koch brothers – their father was widely successful. Otherwise, these guys built their enormous fortunes. A few of them served in the military.

People like Gingrich and Santorum were only able to have their platform because of the backing of just one of these billionaires. It goes to show that if you’re a billionaire, nothing is beyond reach, not even picking the next president, but that there is competition in these things. It’s not a fixed game.

A lot of young liberals are clamoring over Bernie Sanders, but what billionaire in their right mind would support him? Fucking Ben & Jerry will be his biggest political donor – anyone talented enough to generate billions of dollars know that Clinton is their one and only shot at defeating a Republican. And yet, a Clinton election is a long shot.

Also, having separated from the military 8 years ago, I’m feeling pretty good. Relationship is back to normal, skydiving this weekend (how the fuck am I going to afford this?)
Friday, June 19th, 2015
6:19 pm
Shit sucks right now.
Where to even begin.

I got a backpack from Amazon.com that I need to return because they sent me the wrong one. Great, print label at work, get home, start truck, seal box, come back out and the truck is dead. Truck isn't starting right, turns over and starts for a moment but then dies, seems like the fuel pump, check engine light is one. Probably low voltage to the pump. I paid $300 on the auto loan today, fucker doesn't even work. I also got hit recently by a fucking woman who was drunk, there was only light damage to my truck (some scratches), and it's not worth $200 for me to get fixed. The other month I replaced the goddamn starter, and getting the fucker troubleshot and replaced was $500.

This ain't a great time to be strapped for cash, because I've been saving $600 for next weekend to take myself, my girlfriend, and her brother skydiving for their birthday. Yesterday I spent the whole day second guessing if I really wanted to do this, because we're basically just only friends at this point. In fact, I'm not even going to see her this weekend now, cause she's busy with family and I can't drive out to see her. FUCK. I'm at a loss as to what to do with our relationship - more than once I've dropped a bunch of money on a woman only for them to break up with me right afterwards, and my girlfriend and I have broken up 3 times already. Yet, I'm still super attracted to her, she's fucking great, and I love her more than she loves me. I don't know what to do.

I had to get a new phone from AT&T recently, the new one arrived this week and it's been having problems these last few days. Text messages take a while to arrive, like yesterday I never heard from my girlfriend at all, then I got 3 texts from her this morning that were dated Wednesday and yesterday - she responded to me right away, I just didn't get the messages. I was sitting around like a sad sob, thinking she was ignoring me. In addition to this, some text messages arrive multiple times - most ironically of all, the last text message she sent me is now repeating: "Well you just keep having one problem after another. Shoot." "Well you just keep having one problem after another. Shoot." "Well you just keep having one problem after another. Shoot." Damn, it's almost funny if I wasn't so frustrated.

Work is killing me too. I'm just fucking tired of this new guy I work with and this whole week I should have been working on this shitty project but I just kept putting it off more and more because it's painfully shitty.

Topping all of this off, I got a letter today from my landlord that our rent is going up $200 each month, to the low-low price of only $1695 a month for this shitty house on an unpaved road with no insulation and broken appliances.

My little sisters are in Oregon, but I haven't yet had an opportunity to see them. They're down in Roseberg, being tortured by their moms insane decision making. They have no time off from this asinine idea their mother had that they need a manual labor job this summer, even though they're both adults. Fuck, I miss them, I hate their mom.

Positive news:
- I wrote a proposal for a new company. Hopefully I can land a new job by the end of this year.
- I got new sandals today. Yay.


I feel like getting drunk to deal with my stress, but I did that last night and was bored. I guess tomorrow I'm just staying home to work on the garden, and I'll have the mechanic come by. Life goes on, nothing is critical here.
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